Love

I don’t know if it is a mistake to write this or if it will just hurt more than it is worth.  I don’t believe that anything will be a surprise, but this is a difficult one because I have written it so honestly.  Honest about the good and honest about the tragic.  I think that maybe I should just leave it alone and not stir this up but I also think this is “us” and it is true and you deserve to have the truth here.

I have never said out loud to you, “I love you.”  I hope that you know why.  It is not because I don’t love you, because I do.

This is the love that I have for you.

I think about you every day and the thoughts are powerful and emotional.  You are in my heart and I can not picture my life without you.  I crave your voice, your touch, your affection and your presence.  I wish the best for you and think about your needs above mine.  When I see your face I smile without thinking.  I lust for you.  There is perfect peace when we are naked, laying together and I can hear your breathing as you rest your head on my chest.

That is more true, honest and reciprocated love than most people will ever experience in their entire life.

There is one thing missing though.  I can not commit my life to you.  For me, commitment is the defining part of love.  In this area I have no choice because committing to you would destroy who I am.  Does that even make sense?  If I was your then I would not be me and would not be worth having.

I have walked down this road with you and we are knit together.  I have always know that my life is not my own to give you but I have stepped closer to you at every chance.  I have played an awful and selfish game with your heart and I am sorry.  I have withheld saying, “I love you,” because I can not give you, or me, hope that there could be more than there already is.

I am an awful, selfish, greedy and evil man.  I am so sorry for that.  I am sorry for so many things and my heart is so broken.  I have played with fire and have been burned so badly, but the worst is that I’ve pulled you into the flames with me.

I don’t think that this has been a surprise for you and we have talked about this before.  After all, that is why I call you Luv.

This is my last post in icallyouluv.  I miss it already.  Even though the blog is done, we are not which is the important thing.  There is only one more thing that I want to do with it.  Within the context of “us” and with the restrictions that we have I want to plainly write this so there is no question.

I love you.

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